That dear old Norma, she certainly knew how to dress the part and live like a star. Sure, she was misunderstood and a bit nutty at times. But I’m one to embrace the madness and find her just as endearing as Baby Jane. It wasn’t her fault the movies spoke, the chimp died and the boy-toy fell for a younger woman. A star is still a star, even if no one is looking! After all, she had played the part all too well not to come back and haunt us one more time…
Yes, today is your lucky day dear readers! The ghost of Norma Desmond is back to dispense mere mortals like us with some much-needed advice about our own celebrity culture (it’s a return by the way, dare you mention the word comeback!). So you reckon you’ve got it all figured out between Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and… whatever? Think that Miley’s twerking was the highlight of 2013? Well, if you want to learn from the best Ghost Town has to offer, you’d better sit down, have a Vodka Gimlet and listen to a lady who still “has the eyes of the whole world on her” 60 odd years later.
A rare interview on Design Closeup right from the realms of the spirit world…and Norma has surprisingly kept up with the times!
– Inspire Devotion
“Madame is the greatest star of them all”. Damn right I was! So you’ve got 1,000 followers? Good but keep working at it. I once received 17,000 fan letters in a week! Letters! Not Facebook likes…
– Make Good Use of Your Ex
“No one ever leaves a star. That’s what makes one a star”. My first husband was a successful movie director before he begged to come back as my private butler…*sigh*
– The World’s First Cougar
Move over Cougar Town…you may have coined the word in today’s popular culture but I, Norma Desmond, set up the hunky younger man in the bedroom next door right before the eyes of my ex-husband!
– Too Much Talk Kills the Mystery
“We didn’t need dialogue, we had faces!” I was referring to the silent film era back then; I’m now referring to your Facebook account and you’d better work that selfie of yours sweetie…
– Blame Something or Someone Else…But In Style!
“I am big, it’s the pictures that got small”. Enough said. Amen.
– Handmade not Ready-To-Wear
The Devil wears Prada but I was always a step ahead of him. That even applied to my car! “Have you ever heard of Isotta-Fraschini? All handmade. Cost me $28,000.” Bespoke is the way to go!
– Put Men through Their Paces
I was looking for men to dominate me but that never really happened. “Men came into my life like machos and they left like poodles sitting up for a biscuit”.
– Show Who Is Boss
I was once asked to test for my own part. Can you believe that??? I famously replied “Never made a test in my life. What the hell do you have to test me for? You want to see if I’m still alive, do you?” MWA-HA-HA-HAAA…
– Give In to Delusion
If it all fails to go your way, it’s time to devise a back-up plan the Desmond way. Dress the part, get ready for your close-up and utter my immortal lines: “It was a return, a return to the millions of people who have never forgiven me for deserting the screen”. No one will believe a word you say but your grandiose exit will be the talk of the town…or hashtagged to death by trolls on Twitter (#Who the #f*** does she #think she is?########).
Now if you don’t mind, I’m off to go haunting Betty Schaefer who tried to steal my boy-toy decades ago. Believe it or not but that 85 year-old coffin dodger is still alive and I’m having way too much fun scaring the living daylights out of her! MWA-HA-HA-HAAA…